“Do you remember back in the day with the leeches? That never worked I don’t understand how that was a thing”
“Oh hell, do I ever. That was the absolute worst. I don’t really get how that was really a thing. Although apparently they were decent for some things but not what they were used for – since I hear things about mechnical leeches being used sometimes for extraction.”
“Yeah. It’s interesting actually. Like I have ocd, so theres a part of my brain that is constantly freaking out. The radiation makes it chill a bit. I don’t know how or why it works but it does. My other options are electroshock or surgery, since I am unresponsive to cognitive therapy. It’s kinda funny when you think about it. Just a few years ago we’d be doomed. Now there’s options. Things change way too fast”
“ Huh. The wonders of radiation, I suppose. Things definitely change entirely too fast. But I guess in situations like this it’s probably for the best. Just so that we actually do have options that might benefit us rather than just do more damage.”
“I become a terrible person when anywhere near anything like that—So-Yeah–” He sighs “But– You shouldn’t be scared of it. Just don’t be dumb lke me and take 20 at once every 2 hours. Usually they are good, and it’s worth a try. Sometimes just theraphy isn’t enough, you gotta fix the actual chemistry of your brain– You know? I have been doing a treatment with radiation– It’s been working fine.As good as it gts for my case, I guess”
“Hm, I suppose that is fair. Might as well see if some thing actually ends up working well for me if it comes down to it.” It was somewhat reassuring to see that some things did actually work okay when taken in proper measure. “Right – treatment with radiation huh? Interesting what they have available for that sort of thing.”
“I had to go to the hospital. Everyone was staring and laughing. It was horrible” he shakes his head, oh no even remembering it is terrible. What a situation he got himself in “But that was a one time thing– There was one that straight up messed up my short term memory, I thought I had gotten brain damage. And the one that made me hallucinate– Not fun. But again, I abused them a lot so I guess that’s not what they usually do. They did help a lot though, all bad things aside.. I just can’t handle being near those thngs very well.”
Hearing the tales of different meds gone wrong made Saam cringe a little bit. There clearly was a reason why some folks he knew used more traditional remedies, at least to calm things down a little bit. Since the risks of dealing with medicine were very, very real. “I see. It appears that it’s definitely for he best that you don’t take them anymore.”
“You know what my therapist said once? You are gonna be stuck with yourself for a very long time, so better work hard so it’s someone you actually like. I think that’s good advice. At the moment if I ever met myself I’d fight him. Fucking pussy ass bitch not doing anything productve with his life, what’s his deal?” gestures “But, I have made improvements. Going off my meds was the best of them, I just— Don’t mix well with it. I miss them tho. Don’t miss the side effects however– I always had the weirder ones. Most people get like.. Dry mouth and low blood preassure— I took one that gave me a persistent erection once. Not fun”
“Ah. That makes sense. Very good advice to be honest.” It was enough to Saam seriously think what they’re reaction to meeting themselves would really be. “I’ve heard many things about the unpleasant side effects that seem to come with dang near any meds depending on the person. Geez, I can imagine that persistent erection has to have been annoying. and kind of dangerous actually.”
“Took me a very very long time to admit something was wrong– And a longer time to actually do something about it. And looking back now, I just want to punch myself in the face. I’m the one stuck with this life, I should have taken better care of it.” he smiles a bit “You should try ot caring. Like, for one day. Just drown in your own self pity no matter who is looking at you. It’s a horrible feeling, you want to die. But at the same time being honest feels liberating. You get to know who actually likes you and who are the freeloaders.”
“Ah well, it’s definitely easy to make that mistake. With so much going on, it ‘s second nature to put yourself on the backburner for long periods of time.” Goodness knows it’s something that they’ve done for years upon end. “I’m definitely reaching that point where not caring sounds so, so appealing. Even for a moment.”
“It’s hard, you know? We are supposed to pretend we haven’t been damaged. We have to be the better person and not have anything wrong with us whatsoever. You are immortal, you clearly have seen tons of shit, so it’s impossible for it to affect you– I guess— That’s the vibe I usually get from people. When I say what’s wrong with me I get— That look of like “well suck it up you are supposed to be better than everybody”.. I really wanna punch whoever made that rule. We are just people. We’re allowed to be messed up”
“It’s incredibly hard. Yeah, I’ve seen that all too well. Pretending gets so old, so fast that it only seems to make things worse. I also would like to punch those that made that rule. Clearly, the damage can be terribly permanent and many don’t want to admit that. And so it gets taken out on each other in stupid ways. We really should be allowed to be vulnerable and need help somehow.”
“I can give you the number to mine. She’s good. She tries her best. But I think I am one of those people that can’t be fixed” shrugs. And at that statement, he takes a second to think
“I used to be like that. Just hold it in until it all explodes. But then I just realized, what’s the point? It’s not like anyone cares. If I have to be a mad man so be it. Hiding things sometimes can be exhausting. I guess I just got too tired to keep the brave face on”
“Cool. I’d appreciate that.”
A nod of understanding. “Yeah, that makes sense. It clearly illuminates why I’m often just not in the mood to deal with anything because I’m constantly hiding shit from people. I don’t even know if it’s trying to put on a brave face versus just not wanting to bother nobody as who even cares.”
“There are things that make you feel better for some time, and you get addicted to not feeling bad. Then you can’t even remember why you were sad in the first place, and that makes you sad because it feels like you’ve lost yourself, so you go back to things that will make you feel good– It’s a really hard cicle to break out of”
He scoffs a bit “Me too. I’m just sayng what my therapist tells me. I suck at being positive. Honestly the only reason I try at all is because I’m worried what would happen to the pets if I don’t try. So.. Yeah. It’s okay to be sad a little bit, but when it becomes you default mood you know you have been doomed”
“How frustrating.”
A beat or two of exhausted silence. “Feel like I probably should see one of those. I’m still dreading that appointment next week really. If that’s the case, I’ve been doomed for quite some time. It’s just that I don’t tend to admit that to literally everyone.”
“I know that feeling, I have it every day. But trust me none of that is worth it. Temporary becomes a habit and next thing you know you are on AA meetings. I talk from experience” he sighs
“You gotta just.. Push those bad thoughs aside and keep going in hopes something better will show up soon. Sometimes it seems impossible, but it happens”
“…of course. Guess that isn’t a habit worth pursuing in the end.”
A sigh as they rest their head in their hands. “That’s going to be really hard. I have incredible difficulty believing that something better will show up. But okay.”
Seekesotsibteadmist 