“I’m pretty careful about trying not to depend too much on any one given person for a reason. The last thing I want to do is feel like a burden. And yet, I’m incredibly self-conscious about it anyway. One can offer so much and I’ll only agree to accept a little bit of it. Just because it’s not anyone’s responsibility to tolerate me, not really.”
“I’m feeling like I’m putting myself in a really strange position. And while I don’t mind the risk I’m taking – it’s also like I’m no longer anyone’s kind of person. It’s a weird place to be. But guess I’m willing to take that cost to be myself better.”
They sarcastically mimic taking notes. “Your reputation precedes you, Emilio. But very good to know. Breaking news, really. Very important.”
“Same. Shouldn’t be the one to ask about French. But I feel that sentiment 100 percent. I’m done. It’s time to roll out of this plane of existence.”
Maybe let them tell me stories about their previous encounters. I guess there was a mutual voyeuristic aspect to that. So I listened to their stories and I guess we ended up trying variations based on those tales. It was…interesting and fun at the time.
“Yeah definitely. It was sometimes so surprising, I was in denial about it for a long, long time. And I dared not act on those desires since it felt like it came out of damn near nowhere. It’s then I learned that I can’t really rely on having a usual attraction type anyway.”
“Maybe once. It’s been a few decades since I’ve last visited.” The early-mid 90s got to be really weird at points for Saam. “I mean, it was interesting – I guess. Those that worked there were talented, I have to admit that. But not my kind of place really. ”
Perhaps because they kind of wanted to do the revealing? Who knows?
“Well, yeah. I guess so. My drive is pretty inconsistent and weird. But I’ve had an attraction to people that I wished I’ve gotten closer to. Mostly certain writers or musicians that I was particularly attached to.” They refuse to go into depth about names or anything though since it seems a bit untoward to do so. There might be a few representatives that they casually wondered about to no avail.
“I don’t really feel worth the effort of getting to know me sometimes. I sometimes just feel like people bother because I have something to offer them. But hell knows what that is. It’s just hard to see all that much. I downplay all of this though, as it’s obvious no one really needs to hear all that.”
“Sometimes, I’m not entirely sure why I survived so many things. There were so many points where I could have been dissolved permanently and yet.. wasn’t. And I still don’t get it. I really don’t. I can only give my people’s determination credit there.”
Seekesotsibteadmist 