Blue-green eyes gaze back at Eliot as some loose strands are moved out of Saima’s face. With longer hair, comes with dealing with hair in the way – not that they really noticed it all that much. “You need something?” They look up to see what the gesture had been all about in the first place.
“Somehow describing emotional pain is even worse just because I still.. I still carry a lot of that emotional pain from over the years. That shit builds up quite a bit. And no matter how much time has passed, the impacts of that pain still is able to get inside you and make you feel completely and utterly worthless.
But you know.. I think the mid 20th century was just a nightmare in general for me. And the loss of independence, the knowledge that it really could have turned out differently, the loss that came with being oppressed under a terrible authoritarian regime and feeling like no one really cared about the way you were just.. taken away from the world. It was incredibly isolating, and frankly, that still weighs on me a lot. It’ll take some time for me to try and get from there – when the impacts of the time are still with me.”
“Physical pain, that …that’s a hard one to describe the tops because there are just so many incidents, so many times of near-death that have been particularly painful. I guess being cut open as part of some experiments was pretty gruesome. There was something about what kind of mess I could actually endure including removing parts and seeing if they would regenerate.
Turns out, for me at least, they did.
They would try to revive me a number of times to see my reaction. That was ghoulish and honestly, I’m not entirely certain what anyone got out of doing that kind of work to me.
But otherwise, the burning and illness that comes with being frail and having so much population loss at a single time are also pretty high up there in terms of physical pain.”
Usually Saima will either listen to music or play some music as a way to channel their emotions into something creative. That is usually a good way to clear their head. Other options they may pursue include journaling, going on a run, doing some cooking or escaping into the woods for a few hours to get away from the city and commune with nature for a little while.
“One perfect wish? For my people to be safe without the fear of losing their sovereignty.“ It’s a simple wish but so many years without that sense of independence makes Saima wish for nothing more than to see that freedom protected and available far into the future.
Saima at their angriest is a very, very rare sight these days and they much prefer to leave it that way. If there are incidents when people see them angry, they will see a total shift in demeanor that not only darkens their temperament but threatens to alter the vibe of the room altogether. One would witness an attempt to keep their impulses under control – especially if the object of their anger isn’t really within reach at all. In that case, they were more likely to be incredibly blunt and curt with their speech and likely to want to leave the room suddenly to go away from this pressure cooker.
If the person that caused the offense was within the same room, at their very angriest, there is a strong chance that Saima would in fact lash out. It’s a silent burning anger, that builds up and if provoked can be released in a quick dose of action. They have beaten people using a hidden strength that many don’t suspect that they have when provoked. And the fact is after such actions, Saima is rather remorseless about having done so – just because they know, they try to prevent getting that angry – but if it’s reached that point, it’s entirely too late.
Thankfully, that kind of direct violence, Saima is much better at controlling – they have becomed skilled internalizing these feelings and trying to find a better way to express them.
Saima has probably saved the lives of people who they worked in terms of government or volunteer work over the years. But often refused to get any credit. They much preferred operating in the background. And so there are several stories of works they released under a pseudonym, or things they’ve done to keep people alive that will never really get mentioned.
The meanest thing done? Subjugation, probably some forms of mistreatment and malnutrition – being beaten for being disobedient, treating them as subhuman and worthless. I think those are the meanest things, probably purposely injuring them to ‘teach a lesson’ or something along those lines.
There are a lot of such images that make Saima feel pretty lonely. There’s the sight of families coming together, there’s the sight of friends reuniting. Such sights leave them feeling a little hollow knowing full well that even those they consider close to among their colleagues, they can never feel that unconditional comfort that humans have among those that they care for.
Seeing people with their lovers tends to make them feel a little..sad especially since they feel super detached from the idea of such relationships. Even seeing images of intimacy among friends (on their online presences so to speak) tends to make them feel out of place since there’s a distinct lack of similar images for people like them online. So seeing their dash inundated kind of makes them feel a certain kind of way. Hits at their issues of not feeling like enough for people around them.
It’s things like this that makes them prepare their guard up more and more just in an attempt to protect themselves. If they were going to be unwanted, they’d rather just be used to the feeling than have false hopes.
“While both definitely has their appeal and situations that call for them, I think I have a slight preference for leather. I just like the look it has and the kind of cut it has on someone’s silhouette.”
– your muse taking control of mine’s hand , arm , hips , etc . to make sure they do something correctly .
“As you wish.” They are nothing if not willing to follow suggestions. Saima is here to learn after all. “As you are the expert, surely you know best.” With that, they follow Jules’ guidance in an attempt to make sure that they are picking this up right.
Seekesotsibteadmist 