A message my muse wrote after not having written for a while, possibly because they lost the journal or because they have been busy with other things. (Feel free to include part of the previous entry for perspective.)

So..it’s been a little bit of time. I’ve not been up to writing all that much, I’ve been putting a lot of my feelings out into music – which has lead to some cool results. But I have to admit, I’m at a strange place in my life right now.

And while I’d post this somewhere, there are too many witnesses among people I actually know for that to be a good idea. 

Although I’m feeling ..okay, I’m also feeling really ambivalent right now. Especially about other people these days. I, I’ve been withdrawing from being particularly interested in others. Platonically, that stays on since it’s always good to have friends- but I’ve been purposely reluctant to really get invested in any other way. I’m only going to go where I’m wanted.

And if I’m not wanted, well. There’s no point in trying now is there? There’s something bittersweet about that realization, but I need that for my own sake of sanity. Otherwise, I’ve been really dealing with normal work stresses and dealing with being in public..It still is a bit scary going out in the world presenting as I do but I .. I feel the need to do it. It’s for my own sake, it’s been a long time coming and although I still feel a dread in the pit of my heart, it’s necessary and it feels much better than pretending.

I am so very tired of pretending. I’ve had to do that entirely too often within my existence only to survive. Can I not be a true self for once? 

Otherwise, this leitmotif might be finished. I’ve been working on that for months, but I’ll have to listen to it a few times before I can actually show it to anyone else. I promised at least one person will get to hear it – so I should at least make good on that, no matter how tempted I am to sequester it away.