Stumbling over words as if overcompensating for things left unsaid. As if making up for moments missed. As if trying to recover from a silence too long. 

One moment quiet, the next moments a word too many. A phrase too long.  A ramble that happens – just when trying to express a point. It is troublesome to think in phrases, fragments. Things that connect to each other over time.

It never seems to be quite the right amount. 

There’s a reason that they tend to stay silent a lot of the time. Struggles are there when trying to interject at the right time and with the ‘right ‘ thought. Overthinking, overanalyzing, bogging themselves down in self-criticism and hyper-awareness of their surroundings. 

Silence seems a lot more comforting than dealing with all that. If it is permitted that is. Despite being much better at listening – there comes times where they do have to speak. 

At least then they can be prepared. At least they can run the words through the back of their head, making sure again and again that right before they speak – it seems appropriate. 

But in the flow of casual talk – it’s still a little wonky even after all these years. Too controlled, too restrained. And yet too loose at other times. Perhaps it’s just the nature of communication being quite difficult via speech.

Pauses as if trying to gauge the interests of others. Pauses as if maybe the others don’t want to be bothered. maybe withdrawing might be a better option. Can’t be a burden. Won’t be a burden. 

 Rambling on as if anything they said really mattered. Get the balance right. A lyric playing on repeat while trying to interact. 

Is it a quirk?  A permanent characteristic that they have to live with? And hope that maybe, that maybe it’s not too troublesome. 

As if that’s ever gotten them anywhere.

As time passes, some things subtly change. 

[appearance headcanon]

The routine in getting dressed seems to differ a little bit every few weeks or so. Just another addition. Another little bit of detail. An accessory there. A pair of socks here. A nice little under-top. Longer tops that flowed. Lighter colors for business wear – tailored just so even still, maybe an extra flourish or two. 

A secret for their own enjoyment. Colored lip-balm on a casual basis. Just for a subtle soft pop – anything more was for special times.

Little changes were going on – just to make the process of getting ready a little more enjoyable. Sure it’d take a bit longer, but Saam had a way of setting their schedule that allowed for these changes to fit in perfectly. It’s almost as if they were settling into a newer self with the assistance of some unexpected preplanning.

It didn’t seem all that difficult to incorporate the additions. After all, Saam had always awanted to be put together.  Being organized and well-styled had been a fun journey of trying things when they could. They’re just adding another layer to how put-together they cared to be.

Hair slowly grew out. The right side remained cut short, the left side was starting to reach down the side of their face. A bit of careful effort kept things visible and clear in the midst of the shifting haircut. Asymmetry could very well be striking after all.

Carefully, cautiously Saam incorporated these things. Due for an update, due for a small shifting. Nothing much said, nothing much noted. The people could just deal with it as they saw it. If they cared. Would they? 

It remained to be seen.